Building a Life Together

Alhamdulillah you are now married to your life partner inshaAllah (or will be soon, may Allah grant you a righteous partner). Having gone through the challenges to be rightfully married, the question that comes now is, ‘How can we build our life together with our partner?’ Especially if we want to build a lifelong relationship that will be blessed by Allah ﷻ.

Hopefully this article will be able to help you dear reader, to understand a little bit more on how we can build our life together with our partners according to what Allah ﷻ and His Prophet ﷺ wanted for us. This article will discuss the following matters that will play a pivotal role in ensuring that we will have a successful relationship with our partners:

1. The Foundations of a Successful Marriage
2. Roles and responsibilities of the Husband and Wife
3. Communication and Understanding
4. Spiritual Growth Together
5. Financial Management
6. Raising a Family
7. Maintaining Love and Affection
8. Patience and Perseverance
9. Conclusion

 

Foundations of a Successful Marriage

The Prophet ﷺ mentioned in the well-known hadith, “Actions are (judged) by motives (Niyyah), so each man will have what he intended.” [Muttafaq ‘alaih]1 . The first thing that we need to have in order to build a successful marriage, is the right intentions. Why did we want to get married? What did we want to achieve through marriage? Why did we select our specific partners to be married to?

As Muslims, we must have Allah ﷻ first and foremost in our hearts and minds, in carrying out whatever that we do. Make Allah ﷻ the basis of and focus of your love for your spouse. Make the love and obedience towards Allah the primary aspect of all your relationships. This means loving someone purely because of how much they help to remind you of Allah ﷻ and how you would want your love to last not just in this world, but even be enough for the Hereafter, having striven together to attain Allah’s Pleasure. 

Building a life with our spouses with Allah in mind, means instilling in ourselves the values that Allah wants us to live by as spouses, such as was mentioned in Surah Ar-Rum verse 21 which means: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves spouses that you may find tranquillity (Sakinah) in them; and He placed between you affection (Mawaddah) and mercy (Rahmah). Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” 2

This verse, that the Prophet ﷺ has chosen as the one to be recited during the khutbah for Nikah, highlights for us the outcome that Allah ﷻ wanted for us from our married life – which is a life where we can have a peace of mind, and find comfort and tranquillity in our spouses. This highlights for us an important point – that is to say, one can only build a successful marriage, upon a lawful marriage.

In addition, the verse also highlighted the value or virtue of mercy, after love and affection. As we know, humans are prone to be in the throngs of love, when the relationship is still fresh and new, when the passion is still high. However the limitations of such passionate love, that is bound to wane, have us being reminded to always have mercy as an integral part of building a lasting married relationship. 

 

Rights, Roles and Responsibilities 

As mentioned above, the key to married life of peace and tranquillity is love, affection and mercy. The concept of love can be exemplified in many ways in the marriage of which the most noble is the mutual recognition of each other’s rights and responsibilities, with a sincere effort to fulfil them. Not understanding the rights of the other side while demanding only for one’s own rights will lead to spousal fights and shattering of the peace being sought.

Islam has laid out for us clear guidelines on the rights, roles and responsibilities of the husband and the wife, of which some are meant to be shared by both. For this section, we will now mention some of the more important roles and responsibilities as accorded by the Quran and the Sunnah.

 

Role and responsibilities of Husband:

1. Protectors of Women:
   1. Allah said in Surah An-Nisa’ verse 34 which means: “Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allāh has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.”3
   2. The Prophet ﷺ also mentioned in a hadith, ‘The man is a guardian of his family, the woman is a guardian and is responsible for her husband’s house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your subjects.’ [Muttafaq ‘alaih]4 
   3. The above texts tell us that men are given greater and more difficult responsibility by Allah s.w.t. in supporting the family.
   4. Marrying a woman is not about getting a servant to perform your household chores. Rather, it is about selecting a partner to live with for the rest of your life. Husbands should therefore care for their wives and their desires.

 

1. Provider for the Family
   1. As part of the financial right of the wife, the husband must provide for her a dowry, more commonly known as the Mahr, when the marriage contract (Akad Nikah) is completed. The dowry must be in the form of materials agreed upon by the wife that is suitable for a woman of her status. 
   2. It is obligatory for the husband to spend on their wives, provided that the wives make themselves available to the husband. If she refuses him or rebels, she is not entitled to the spending. This is the case even if the wife is rich as Allah mentioned in the Quran which means: “Upon the father is their [i.e., the mothers’] provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable.”5
   3. Accommodation: Another right of the wife which the husband should fulfil is the preparation of her accommodation, according to his capabilities. As Allah mentioned in At-Talaq verse 6 which means: “Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means.”6

 

1. Fair and kind treatment to the wife
   1. Allah s.w.t. said in An-Nisa’ verse 19 which means: “And live with them in kindness”.7
   2. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Be kind to women.” [Muttafaq ‘alaih]8
   3. Islam enjoins that the husband must have a kind and honourable attitude towards his wife and should strive to offer her that which can soften her heart towards him.
   4. In the case of having multiple wives, Allah s.w.t commanded the husband to be fair among them, with regards to the nights spent with them, their expenses,  accommodation and clothing. 

 

Roles and Responsibilities of Wife

1. Obligation of obedience to the Husband
   1. Ibn ‘Abbas r.a. said regarding the verse which stated man being the protectors of women: “That they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allah has enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth.” [Tafsir Ibn Kathir]
   2. However, if a husband commands his wife to do something that goes against the teachings of Islam or is harmful to herself or others, then she is not obligated to obey him, as the concept of obedience to the husband in Islam is meant to establish a framework for a harmonious and lasting relationship based on mutual love, respect and cooperation.

 

1. Taking care of the house in the absence of the Husband
   1. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘The woman is the guardian of her husband’s house and is responsible for it.’ [Bukhari]
   2. Part of the wife’s responsibility in taking care of the household includes not admitting anyone that the husband dislikes into the house. The ultimate objective is to preserve the house and household.
   3. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present without his permission, or to admit anyone into his house without his permission.’ [Muttafaq ‘alaih]
2. Support and Partnership
   1. The wife’s role is to support her husband in maintaining the household and raising the family. This involves collaboration, understanding, and offering advice when needed. She is a partner in all aspects of life, including decision-making.
   2. Allah s.w.t. described the above role in Surah Al-Baqarah when He said, ‘They are a clothing for you and you are a clothing for them.’9
   3. The above verse highlights the mutual support between spouses, the protection and comfort they provide each other.

 

Mutual Roles between the Couple

1. Mutual respect and compassion: Both husband and wife are expected to treat each other with respect, love, and compassion. Their relationship should be one of mutual understanding, where both feel valued and supported.
2. Cooperation in Worship: The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, ‘May Allah show mercy to a man who wakes his wife up at night to pray and if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face.’ [Ahmad].
3. Mutual enjoyment of each other: Both spouses are entitled to good marital relationship and intimate enjoyment from each other as mentioned in the hadith where Salman Al-Farisi said to Abu Darda, ‘Your Lord has a right on you; and your soul has a right on you; and your family has a right on you; so you should give the rights of all those who have a right on you.’ [Bukhari]10
4. Keeper of each other’s secrets: As can be seen in how Allah s.w.t. admonished the Prophet’s wives when they were telling each other about matters the Prophet asked them separately to keep to themselves.11 

 

Communication and Understanding

In Islam, effective communication and understanding between spouses are crucial for a harmonious marriage. The Quran and Hadith emphasise the importance of speaking kindly and resolving conflicts with wisdom and patience. Couples should practise open and honest communication, avoiding harsh words or tone, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, ‘The best among you are those who have the best manners and character.’ [Bukhari: 6029].

When conflicts arise, it is vital to address issues calmly and seek solutions rather than blame. Islam encourages mutual consultation (Shura) in decision-making, ensuring both spouses’ opinions are valued.

Empathy and understanding are also key. Allah reminds us in the Quran to “live with them in kindness” (Surah An-Nisa:19). By putting oneself in the other’s shoes, couples can better appreciate each other’s perspectives, fostering compassion and patience. The Prophet ﷺ modelled this by always listening attentively and showing concern for his wives’ feelings.

By combining effective communication with empathy, couples can strengthen their bond and fulfil their marital duties in a way that pleases Allah. 

 

Spiritual Growth Together

Spiritual growth is a shared journey for married couples, strengthening both their relationship and their connection with Allah. Praying together, especially the five daily prayers, is a powerful way to bond spiritually. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, ‘When a man wakes his wife up at night and they pray together, they are recorded among the men and women who remember Allah.’ [Abu Daud]. Praying together fosters unity, tranquillity, and mutual support in the worship of Allah.

Besides prayer, couples should engage in other acts of worship together, such as fasting, reading Quran, and making supplications (Du’a). This shared devotion deepens their faith and brings blessings into their marriage.

Learning about Islam together is also essential. Attending Islamic classes, reading books, or watching lectures can enhance their understanding of the faith. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Seeking knowledge is an obligation upon every Muslim.’ [Ibn Majah]. By gaining Islamic knowledge together, couples can apply the teachings of Islam more effectively in their lives, ensuring that their marriage is guided by the Quran and Sunnah. This shared commitment to spiritual growth not only strengthens their bond but also brings them closer to Allah.

Financial Matters

In Singapore, financial responsibility is important for Muslim couples to maintain a stable and harmonious marriage. Islam emphasises on the importance of careful financial planning and avoiding wastefulness, as Allah mentioned in the Quran, meaning, ‘Indeed, the wasteful are the brothers of the Devil.’ (Al-Isra’: 27). Hence, couples should create a budget for their marriage and livelihood, save for the future and avoid debt, ensuring that their financial decisions are in line with Islamic principles.

As mentioned earlier, the primary responsibility for providing for the family lies with the husband, as stated in the Quran meaning, ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women.’ (An-Nisa’: 34).  His duty is to ensure that his family’s needs, such as food, shelter, and education, are met. However, the wife’s role in managing household finances is equally important. While she is not obligated to contribute financially, she plays a key role in managing expenses and ensuring that resources are used wisely.

In the Singaporean context, where living costs are high, it is essential for couples to work together in financial planning. Open communication and mutual respect in financial matters help ensure a balanced and prosperous life, guided by Islamic values.

 

Raising a Family

The Prophet ﷺ said: ‘Marry the one who is fertile and loving, for I will boast of your great numbers.’ [An-Nasa’i]12. This hadith, indicated for us that it is a Sunnah, or Prophetic Tradition to have children from our marriage.

In Singapore, raising a family with strong Islamic values is essential for Muslim parents. Islam emphasises that children are a trust (Amanah) from Allah, and parents are responsible for nurturing their faith and character. The Quran instructs parents to ‘save yourselves and your families from a Fire’ (At-Tahrim: 6), highlighting the duty to guide our children towards righteousness.

To ensure children receive a balanced upbringing, parents should prioritise both secular and Islamic education. Enrol children in schools that offer a solid academic foundation while complementing this with Quranic classes and Islamic studies at the mosque or through private tutoring. At home, parents should engage in regular Islamic practices such as prayer, recitation of the Quran, and discussions about Islamic teachings.

As parents, we must remember that the first venue of education for our children are our homes. Thus, setting a good example is important to bring up pious and faithful children. It is only by embodying the values, attitudes and behaviour we want to instil in our children ourselves that our children will emulate those characteristics. One cannot expect to forbid a child from smoking, while there is a cigarette stick between his fingers. 

By creating a supportive environment that blends Islamic and secular learning, parents can help their children develop a strong sense of identity and faith, preparing them to be responsible, knowledgeable Muslims in Singapore’s diverse society, being able to safeguard themselves from unwanted influences. 

 

Maintaining Love and Affection

In Islam, maintaining love and affection in marriage is crucial for a harmonious relationship. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, ‘The best of you are those who are best to their wives’ [Tirmidhi], highlighting the importance of kindness and compassion. In Singapore’s fast-paced environment, small acts of kindness can make a significant difference in nurturing love. Simple gestures like expressing appreciation, giving thoughtful gifts, or helping with daily chores can strengthen the emotional bond between spouses.

Spending quality time together is equally important. The Prophet ﷺ would spend time with his wives, listening to them and engaging in meaningful conversations. In Singapore, where work and social commitments often take precedence, it’s essential for couples to prioritise moments of togetherness. Whether it’s sharing meals, going for walks, or participating in shared hobbies, these moments help to deepen the connection and understanding between spouses.

Balancing the demands of life with the need for affection and quality time is vital for a strong marriage. By following the Prophetic example of kindness and prioritising time together, Muslim couples in Singapore can build lasting love and companionship, pleasing to Allah and beneficial to their family.

Patience and Perseverance

Patience and perseverance are essential virtues, especially when facing the challenges of marriage. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and his companions exemplified these qualities in their lives. When confronted with difficulties, the Prophet ﷺ taught us to turn to Allah in prayer and supplication, as patience (Sabr) is highly rewarded by Allah, who says in the Quran, “Indeed, Allah is with the patient” (Surah Al-Baqarah:153). In Singapore’s modern context, where stress from work, finances, or societal pressures can impact marriage, couples should remember to remain patient, seeking guidance from the Quran and Sunnah.

Having a strong support system is also crucial. In Islam, family and community play significant roles in providing advice, comfort, and assistance during tough times. The Prophet ﷺ emphasised the importance of brotherhood and mutual support within the Muslim community. Couples in Singapore should cultivate close ties with family members and actively participate in the local Muslim community, such as joining mosque activities or Islamic classes. These connections provide a network of support, making it easier to persevere through challenges with the knowledge that they are not alone.

By practising patience and relying on a strong support system, couples can navigate challenges with resilience and faith.

Conclusion

Building a life together with our partners – especially in following the guidance from the Quran and the Sunnah, is not a matter that can be established overnight. Instilling the values that Allah wanted for us to build a lasting marriage, understanding and putting in practise the roles and responsibilities of husband and wife, all takes time, patience and consistent effort, along with clear communication between each other. 

However, constantly reminding ourselves that ultimately, it is for Allah that we live, and understanding that our spouses and our children are a trust – an Amanah, given to us by Allah, Allah will stay by our side and help to guide us towards a lasting marriage, with pious and filial children. 

References

1. Forty Hadith of Imam An-Nawawi: Hadith 1
2. Al-Quran: Surah Ar-Rum verse 21
3. Al-Quran: Surah An-Nisa’ verse 34
4. Riyadh As-Shalihin: 283
5. Al-Quran: Surah Al-Baqarah verse 233
6. Al-Quran: Surah At-Talaq verse 6
7. Al-Quran: Surah An-Nisa’ verse 19
8. Bukhari: 3153, Muslim: 1468
9. Al-Quran: Surah Al-Baqarah verse 187
10. Sahih Al-Bukhari: 6139
11. Al-Quran: Surah At-Tahrim verse 3
12. Sunan An-Nasa’i: 3227